i care not for winter winds, the grey the grey the grey.

how to tell him. where to begin. the dimmer the light the sadder my state.


so i'm sinking. he's concerned. i can't blame him but every question piques my ire.

it feels like nothing can make me happy. it's the weather, and it's that sneaky, bitch of a disease, depression. but realization doesn't make it better. so i'm trying to keep it in. i have no idea how to let it out. i know i need to cry, hard. and can't even make myself try.

feelings come and go in erratic waves. i'll go let my puppy kiss me, make steaks for dinner, and try not to get frustrated at every little thing in the world.

kiss, kiss

v

planning, planning... oh little wedding. found a lovely little inn to host it here in the Boro. Asked my bridesmaids, they say yay! er.. yes...yea... whatever.

purchased plenty of 'bridal crack' which really just means i have about 10 bridal magazines scattered around here... some wheres or another. found a few pretty/different/unique/sexy dresses in said magazines and/or online that won't break the bank.

all good things! just wanted to gush a bit. we're playing hooky today, both took same day vacation days. greg's mowing the yard, i'm cleaning the kitchen, nursing a head ache and pondering a nap.

love to love ya darlins....


vrn

i can't just clean one thing and let it go. oh no, not me. i spent three hours cleaning a relatively clean kitchen. i cleaned the cabinets, cleaned out the toaster, cleaned out the microwave, scrubbed and rubbed and took down cobwebs and and and... yeah.

then i did the same thing to the laundry room/cat room. then i did some floors. not all floors, but some. our whole house is hardwood or kitchen flooring. ugg i'm exhausted. marathon laundry is a go. cat boxes are a go. six bags of garbage packed up and hauled out are a go

maxwell has something in his puppy arm pit (leg pit??) and we're going to the vet AGAIN tomorrow. we've already spent about $400 there in the past month. so much for saving for my dress.

took three days off in a row. yesterday was officially Do Nothing Day. and I literally did nothing. Max and I went for a walk, but that was the most productive thing I did all day. today is officially Do Everything Day, and i'm getting there but perfectionism doesn't lend itself to accomplishing a million things in one day. Tomorrow is supposed to be A Planning Day (as in wedding, family budget, food for the week, etc.) but now it will also be Attack the Bathroom Day and Finish Up Laundry Day.


i'm sure you're all very excited by my domestic adventures. it's overhaulin fall cleaning and the best attempt i've made in a while to get the house situation under complete control.

Wish me luck, kitties. :D


cheers,
valerie

when my mother heard that I was getting married her initial response went as follows...

"Oh... well that's nice..... Don't tell Larry."

Larry is my lovely step father (my lovely non jw step fadda!) who, if you'll remember, doesn't think my mother is shunning me.... some how...

getting married without a family sucks. my brother saying he'll give me away is amazing. every thing else is just silly stressful.

pretty in pink


v

so it's only been a few weeks. i still love the little shiny on my finger and i'm slowly getting used to the idea that... i mean this is it. it it. it. and it's lovely. it's terrifying. love is big enough to make up the difference.

so we're only a week or two in to wedding planning as well. it's way too expensive to get married. just so you know. greg really wants to run off to Sandals and get married at the resort. it's cheaper than pretty much anything else. but something tells me it would be impossible to avoid a certain feeling of resentment. i've never REALLY had a birthday party (although the drunken college revelries of my early 20s were possibly party-esch....) i've never really gotten presents for anything (other than a few great christmases with G and one or two with friends before that.) but never a REAL traditional... well...anything.

a little part of me knows it would make the most sense to run off and do it that way. we're pretty private people. we spend most of our time at home and/or with each other. so a simple wedding that's about us (as opposed to spending thousands of dollars feeding friends and family) makes sense. ugg... 'sense'

i will wear a pretty white dress, and carry lovely flowers. i would like some yummy cake, and just, for once in my life, to feel like i had something normal of my own to keep and hold and treasure as an experience and memory.

i'd like the people i love there. jason's promised to come and give me away, or whatever else i want him to do. he also promises to stay live for the wedding. this is encouraging, no?

it's one of the few excuses i'll have to bring these lovely folks together. but it still makes me feel selfish, because i know 'sense' says it should go otherwise.

no decisions yet. i'm pretty sure i want to do it here, in quasi traditional format, with friends and family, a little music, a little booze, and just a day to celebrate the lives we get to spend together.

so tell me not to feel guilty for that. and help me, dear sweet baby jebus, figure out how to have a nice little wedding without breaking the bank or stressing myself and the man i love out so much that we forget why we're doing it.


love,

valerie rose

i miss him. he'll be home soon. we'll have health insurance for the rest of our lives. (gee thanks, National Guard...) it's a relief, but i'd rather have him home. que sera.

the shiny bit of diamond on my finger is distracting. i can barely speak about getting married without getting ridiculously giddy. i don't think he knows how happy he's made me. i'll have to show him, show him how? i remember his face lighting up as he listened to me tell him yes. it was the best moment of my life.

i'm pitiful entertainment for the pets. they follow me from room to room waiting for something to happen. it's cute, but it's complicated. is this what being a single mother is like? hopefully i'll never have to know.

white on white
little lilting shades of grey
we're drowning in our lives
and the sun shine glinting off our hoods
are we blind to joy until its nipping at our heels
i forget what i've felt like before
i've loved, oh i've loved.
an unhealthy obsession and fight and
the bones picked clean never left me feeling full
so i wake each morning grateful
how to tell you, how to share
how to make this feeling spread
my hem riding up my thighs
bound and determined to be singing my way into the grave

love is liberty and i am
finally a believer


vrn

I've been engaged for approximately 24 hours! Just so you know!

full update from my NYC trip (which was amazing) will follow. There are some mobile updates on the faceplace (aka Facebook)

much love!

valerie rose

what a day, what a set of days...

things keep going wrong. i picked fights with him three days in a row. self conscious. clean the house. don't you want to marry me. stupid pregnancy scare. double you tee eff.

someone's dead. someone lost their job. i applied for a promotion, then they renigged on the offer, no one's getting a promotion, apparently. he's going away for two weeks, but i'm going to meet him in new york next week for a long weekend. we're staying at the waldorf, driving a conspicuous army vehicle, and i'm exciting to be going home. it's been too long, and i'm a little petrified.

i'm broke as shit, wish i could quit smoking, want to go shop with wild abandon, and kind of wish i liked my coworkers more. people here suck, i refrain from extending my respect but live like an outcast. maxwell will keep me safe at night for the next week or two. i'll miss him.

rum and a turkish silver. hair dye and thrift store shopping. any one looking for a friend? I could use one.

love,
valerie

kittens and cats

they're a yowling, striped, troup of galloping children who speed across our home on deft little feet. they keep appearing with white dustings on their coats. where they keep finding the left overs of our spackling job i'll never know. we've cleaned that room top to bottom at least twice.

the bathroom is tidal teal. the front yard is only half cut, the lawn mower died in the middle of the job. i have a new friend on last.fm. and by friend i mean person to steal music from, which is delicious.

maxwell graduated from intermediate obedience training. now he has two diplomas on the wall, greg and i still have zero of ours up. our 120 lb "puppy" is growing up. he'll be two in october.

and hopefully by then life will have become a bit more quiet. we've been taking trips every month or so and it's draining, financially any way. but it's been lovely to see friends and family. and the ribs we found in Memphis were stellar. VZ Navigator doesn't know how to navigate in alleyways, btw. but thankfully the local law enforcement gentlemen did.

each evening on my way home i have the best moment of sky watching. our exit is a lazy swirl to a road that's abandoned by the time i'm winding my way home at 7 p.m. it's raised, a bridge over the highway, and while I merge I have a glorious view of the sun setting, lights playing off big clouds, the kingdom of the heavens in all its glory. last night's blood red sun had sheets of rain falling like thin grey curtains in front of it. lightening crashed between dark clouds that were framing the orange and red sunset. it was breathtaking. and i hurried home to walk max before the rain made it, amid a cacophony of thunder.

it's my day off and i'm trying to capture moments of domesticity.

much love,
valerie

dieting sucks. losing weight rules. three lbs in two days, but i've had more tomatoes in the past three days than i ever want to again, ever.

but lamb for dinner was yummy. eh. it's just two weeks, and it's worth it. the pictures of me from leah's wedding are terrifying.

so here's hoping for some skinny.

bed with a movie, my slightly sick puppy (dog puking up water = ew) and that man i'm pretty much crazy about.


ta

valerie