urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood valerie rose valerie rose 2009-12-01T03:04:04Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:172506 2009-12-01T03:04:04Z 2009-12-01T03:04:04Z i care not for winter winds, the grey the grey the grey. <br /><br />how to tell him. where to begin. the dimmer the light the sadder my state. <br /><br /><br />so i'm sinking. he's concerned. i can't blame him but every question piques my ire. <br /><br />it feels like nothing can make me happy. it's the weather, and it's that sneaky, bitch of a disease, depression. but realization doesn't make it better. so i'm trying to keep it in. i have no idea how to let it out. i know i need to cry, hard. and can't even make myself try. <br /><br />feelings come and go in erratic waves. i'll go let my puppy kiss me, make steaks for dinner, and try not to get frustrated at every little thing in the world. <br /><br />kiss, kiss<br /><br />v urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:172272 2009-11-16T21:45:24Z 2009-11-16T21:45:24Z planning, planning... oh little wedding. found a lovely little inn to host it here in the Boro. Asked my bridesmaids, they say yay! er.. yes...yea... whatever.<br /><br />purchased plenty of 'bridal crack' which really just means i have about 10 bridal magazines scattered around here... some wheres or another. found a few pretty/different/unique/sexy dresses in said magazines and/or online that won't break the bank. <br /><br />all good things! just wanted to gush a bit. we're playing hooky today, both took same day vacation days. greg's mowing the yard, i'm cleaning the kitchen, nursing a head ache and pondering a nap. <br /><br />love to love ya darlins....<br /><br /><br />vrn urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:171981 2009-10-23T23:43:18Z 2009-10-23T23:43:18Z i can't just clean one thing and let it go. oh no, not me. i spent three hours cleaning a relatively clean kitchen. i cleaned the cabinets, cleaned out the toaster, cleaned out the microwave, scrubbed and rubbed and took down cobwebs and and and... yeah.<br /><br />then i did the same thing to the laundry room/cat room. then i did some floors. not all floors, but some. our whole house is hardwood or kitchen flooring. ugg i'm exhausted. marathon laundry is a go. cat boxes are a go. six bags of garbage packed up and hauled out are a go<br /><br />maxwell has something in his puppy arm pit (leg pit??) and we're going to the vet AGAIN tomorrow. we've already spent about $400 there in the past month. so much for saving for my dress. <br /><br />took three days off in a row. yesterday was officially Do Nothing Day. and I literally did nothing. Max and I went for a walk, but that was the most productive thing I did all day. today is officially Do Everything Day, and i'm getting there but perfectionism doesn't lend itself to accomplishing a million things in one day. Tomorrow is supposed to be A Planning Day (as in wedding, family budget, food for the week, etc.) but now it will also be Attack the Bathroom Day and Finish Up Laundry Day. <br /><br /><br />i'm sure you're all very excited by my domestic adventures. it's overhaulin fall cleaning and the best attempt i've made in a while to get the house situation under complete control. <br /><br />Wish me luck, kitties. :D<br /><br /><br />cheers,<br />valerie urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:171714 2009-10-13T02:40:13Z 2009-10-13T02:40:13Z when my mother heard that I was getting married her initial response went as follows...<br /><br />"Oh... well that's nice..... Don't tell Larry."<br /><br />Larry is my lovely step father (my lovely non jw step fadda!) who, if you'll remember, doesn't think my mother is shunning me.... some how...<br /><br />getting married without a family sucks. my brother saying he'll give me away is amazing. every thing else is just silly stressful.<br /><br />pretty in pink<br /><br /><br />v urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:171517 2009-10-09T01:39:59Z 2009-10-09T01:39:59Z so it's only been a few weeks. i still love the little shiny on my finger and i'm slowly getting used to the idea that... i mean this is it. it it. it. and it's lovely. it's terrifying. love is big enough to make up the difference. <br /><br />so we're only a week or two in to wedding planning as well. it's way too expensive to get married. just so you know. greg really wants to run off to Sandals and get married at the resort. it's cheaper than pretty much anything else. but something tells me it would be impossible to avoid a certain feeling of resentment. i've never REALLY had a birthday party (although the drunken college revelries of my early 20s were possibly party-esch....) i've never really gotten presents for anything (other than a few great christmases with G and one or two with friends before that.) but never a REAL traditional... well...anything. <br /><br />a little part of me knows it would make the most sense to run off and do it that way. we're pretty private people. we spend most of our time at home and/or with each other. so a simple wedding that's about us (as opposed to spending thousands of dollars feeding friends and family) makes sense. ugg... 'sense'<br /><br />i will wear a pretty white dress, and carry lovely flowers. i would like some yummy cake, and just, for once in my life, to feel like i had something normal of my own to keep and hold and treasure as an experience and memory. <br /><br />i'd like the people i love there. jason's promised to come and give me away, or whatever else i want him to do. he also promises to stay live for the wedding. this is encouraging, no?<br /><br /> it's one of the few excuses i'll have to bring these lovely folks together. but it still makes me feel selfish, because i know 'sense' says it should go otherwise.<br /><br />no decisions yet. i'm pretty sure i want to do it here, in quasi traditional format, with friends and family, a little music, a little booze, and just a day to celebrate the lives we get to spend together. <br /><br />so tell me not to feel guilty for that. and help me, dear sweet baby jebus, figure out how to have a nice little wedding without breaking the bank or stressing myself and the man i love out so much that we forget why we're doing it.<br /><br /><br />love,<br /><br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:171008 2009-09-24T03:07:18Z 2009-09-24T03:07:18Z i miss him. he'll be home soon. we'll have health insurance for the rest of our lives. (gee thanks, National Guard...) it's a relief, but i'd rather have him home. que sera.<br /><br />the shiny bit of diamond on my finger is distracting. i can barely speak about getting married without getting ridiculously giddy. i don't think he knows how happy he's made me. i'll have to show him, show him how? i remember his face lighting up as he listened to me tell him yes. it was the best moment of my life. <br /><br />i'm pitiful entertainment for the pets. they follow me from room to room waiting for something to happen. it's cute, but it's complicated. is this what being a single mother is like? hopefully i'll never have to know. <br /><br />white on white <br />little lilting shades of grey<br />we're drowning in our lives<br />and the sun shine glinting off our hoods<br />are we blind to joy until its nipping at our heels<br />i forget what i've felt like before<br />i've loved, oh i've loved. <br />an unhealthy obsession and fight and <br />the bones picked clean never left me feeling full<br />so i wake each morning grateful<br />how to tell you, how to share<br />how to make this feeling spread<br />my hem riding up my thighs<br />bound and determined to be singing my way into the grave<br /><br />love is liberty and i am <br />finally a believer<br /><br /><br />vrn urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:170808 2009-09-21T03:59:02Z 2009-09-21T03:59:02Z I've been engaged for approximately 24 hours! Just so you know!<br /><br />full update from my NYC trip (which was amazing) will follow. There are some mobile updates on the faceplace (aka Facebook)<br /><br />much love!<br /><br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:170725 2009-09-10T03:45:58Z 2009-09-10T03:45:58Z what a day, what a set of days...<br /><br />things keep going wrong. i picked fights with him three days in a row. self conscious. clean the house. don't you want to marry me. stupid pregnancy scare. double you tee eff. <br /><br />someone's dead. someone lost their job. i applied for a promotion, then they renigged on the offer, no one's getting a promotion, apparently. he's going away for two weeks, but i'm going to meet him in new york next week for a long weekend. we're staying at the waldorf, driving a conspicuous army vehicle, and i'm exciting to be going home. it's been too long, and i'm a little petrified.<br /><br />i'm broke as shit, wish i could quit smoking, want to go shop with wild abandon, and kind of wish i liked my coworkers more. people here suck, i refrain from extending my respect but live like an outcast. maxwell will keep me safe at night for the next week or two. i'll miss him. <br /><br />rum and a turkish silver. hair dye and thrift store shopping. any one looking for a friend? I could use one. <br /><br />love,<br />valerie urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:170470 2009-08-28T14:35:50Z 2009-08-28T14:35:50Z kittens and cats<br /><br />they're a yowling, striped, troup of galloping children who speed across our home on deft little feet. they keep appearing with white dustings on their coats. where they keep finding the left overs of our spackling job i'll never know. we've cleaned that room top to bottom at least twice. <br /><br />the bathroom is tidal teal. the front yard is only half cut, the lawn mower died in the middle of the job. i have a new friend on last.fm. and by friend i mean person to steal music from, which is delicious. <br /><br />maxwell graduated from intermediate obedience training. now he has two diplomas on the wall, greg and i still have zero of ours up. our 120 lb "puppy" is growing up. he'll be two in october.<br /><br />and hopefully by then life will have become a bit more quiet. we've been taking trips every month or so and it's draining, financially any way. but it's been lovely to see friends and family. and the ribs we found in Memphis were stellar. VZ Navigator doesn't know how to navigate in alleyways, btw. but thankfully the local law enforcement gentlemen did. <br /><br />each evening on my way home i have the best moment of sky watching. our exit is a lazy swirl to a road that's abandoned by the time i'm winding my way home at 7 p.m. it's raised, a bridge over the highway, and while I merge I have a glorious view of the sun setting, lights playing off big clouds, the kingdom of the heavens in all its glory. last night's blood red sun had sheets of rain falling like thin grey curtains in front of it. lightening crashed between dark clouds that were framing the orange and red sunset. it was breathtaking. and i hurried home to walk max before the rain made it, amid a cacophony of thunder. <br /><br />it's my day off and i'm trying to capture moments of domesticity. <br /><br />much love,<br />valerie urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:170151 2009-07-31T03:57:24Z 2009-07-31T03:57:24Z dieting sucks. losing weight rules. three lbs in two days, but i've had more tomatoes in the past three days than i ever want to again, ever. <br /><br />but lamb for dinner was yummy. eh. it's just two weeks, and it's worth it. the pictures of me from leah's wedding are terrifying. <br /><br />so here's hoping for some skinny. <br /><br />bed with a movie, my slightly sick puppy (dog puking up water = ew) and that man i'm pretty much crazy about.<br /><br /><br />ta<br /><br />valerie urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:169971 2009-07-04T15:09:40Z 2009-07-04T15:09:40Z drunk, hormonal blogging is always very dramatic.<br /><br />ta dah!<br /><br />v urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:169542 2009-07-04T04:01:43Z 2009-07-04T04:01:43Z it's been an unfortunate jumble of feelings, paranoia, stress, and the general terror of living.<br /><br />i'm sure at some point in my life i should have already gone for help. i can't control my mood swings some times, i'm terrified. i'm worried. i am happy, but it's never enough. <br /><br />very silly being me, kittens. very silly indeed. i feel old, i feel hideous, unappreciated, suspicious for no reason, scared out of my mind that it will never be better, or that it's all just a lie. <br /><br />i know i'm fine, it's hard to play along. balance is hard to find. i wish i liked people more. it's impossible to make friends when you barely respect people. <br /><br />it'll be better, it will get better. i'm sure at some point i won't feel so alone. there's nothing to be done about it.<br /><br />wish me luck, unnamed masses. <br /><br />luck.<br />valerie urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:169397 2009-06-07T04:04:03Z 2009-06-07T04:04:03Z dipping in the lucid arms of sleep<br />i wish good day, good night, sweet dreams<br />exhausted but pushing through the fog<br />i'm bitten, jealous, of those who need less rest<br />and wonder why i even fight<br />the urge to nod off<br />sitting up urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:169035 2009-04-28T22:09:59Z 2009-04-28T22:09:59Z today I miss my mother. or, possibly, the idea of a mother. I made progress in the house, against the ever rising tide of mess and unpacked crap. I've almost been here a month and my clothes are still in suitcases, pillowcases, backpacks, etc. We haven't found a home for my shoes yet. and this situation makes me highly frustrated. I feel like I'm working on this alone, and now, finally, I'm making progress because Greg's gone for the week. I can't be furious, I knew what I was getting in to, I know exactly who he is, and he is, frankly, a lazy ass of a man most of the time. but he tries, and is trying, i'm sure. it's been a big month, job change for him, raise/promotion for me, integrating pets, moving my collosal pile of crap accross town while he was hurt. blah blah blah. i'm just ready to finally feel settled.<br /><br />so today I find myself missing my mother, because I wish I had someone to talk to about the early, rocky phases of combining your life with someone else. She wouldn't talk to me even if I did call her, so I don't. And she wouldn't approve of my living arrangements, Greg and I aren't married, and while I am certain it's better to test the water for a while before signing up for a lifelong commitment, she, and every one else i'm related to, don't agree, and think I'm a dirty hussy already.<br /><br />So I can't call and ask what she thinks I should plant in the front yard, or how best to go about choosing paint colors, or what some helpful tips are for combining lives and delegating responsibilities in a fair, agreeable, functional fashion. I am, I'm afraid, at a loss. I've never seen a successful relationship bloom up close, and this is, I'm sure, the furthest I've ever been into a relationship myself.<br /><br />the house is a wee bit creepy this week now that i'm all alone in it. i say 'all alone' but by that i mean that i'm the only two legged thing here. eliot, chicky, gixxer, and, of course, maxwell, are doing their best to keep me company, drive me crazy, keep me up all night, wake me up ungodly early, and eat me out of harth and home. but i love them, very much. and am thankful for the company, and for having things to blame any noises i hear in the night on.<br /><br />the day he comes home greg is turning 30. I'm trying to think of a present that won't let him down. I wanted to take him on a trip, but it just isn't feasible, schedule wise and money wise. so, Suzi, if you're reading this, any tips would be appreciated.<br /><br />found Xingu beer today at World Market, inducing another set of memories. I am unhappy when I look back. There's so much more I should have been and so many things I wish I'd known, opportunities I wish I'd made the most of. Remembering is dangerous business, but it reminds us to keep our eyes open, going forward.<br /><br />This year I vow to make time to remend some bridges, although I don't think they're damaged, just a little dusty for not being used, and take some trips to see the people who make me smile. I know I'm not the easiest person to be friends with, for a lot of reasons, but I hope you all know I'm trying.<br /><br />the end (of a very boring blog)<br />love<br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:168913 2009-04-20T22:51:10Z 2009-04-20T22:51:10Z just a brief list of recent reads, current reads, and up coming reads. looking for the next suggestion, as always.<br /><br />recently read -<br /><br />People of the Book - Geraldine Brooks (very, very good. Story built around the Sarajevo Haggada's history and restoration)<br />Girls of Riyadh - Rajaa Alsanea (a bit fluffy, but fun, and a good insight into modern Saudi Arabia. any one know of any other books about the area worth reading?)<br />The Painter from Shanghai - Jennifer Cody Epstein (story of Pan Yuliang, a controversial painter, former prostitute, etc. from China. beautiful story)<br />Jane Austen Ruined My Life - Beth Patillo (local nashville writer! amusing for other Austen fans, I'm sure, but definitely fluff)<br />Walk in Circles Before Lying Down - Merrill Markoe (funny, not exactly a masterful story, but amusing, none the less)<br />Forests of the Heart - Charles de Lint (beautiful story, a good segue back into fantasy/sci fi lit for me. Can't wait to read the rest!)<br /><br /><br />Currently reading -<br /><br />The Left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin (can't believe I'm finally getting around to reading these! a sci-fi staple for the ages)<br /><br />Up next! -<br /><br />Charles de Lint's Dreams Underfoot<br />or<br />Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen<br />or...<br />something else? suggestions welcome and encouraged!<br /><br />thank you for indulging me<br />much love,<br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:168651 2009-01-08T06:15:04Z 2009-01-08T06:15:04Z i'm starving, unfortunately. but what's a girl to do. i cam tumbling in my own dark front door a little before midnight, but for one very dull reason, very dull indeed.<br /><br />i feel slightly inebriated, but it's just from the dull throb in my lumbar region, my coxic, my god damn tail bone, back, spleen, etc. i hurt for a very stupid reason, because i sit in a chair at work and talk, oh i talk, and click, and prattle, and get judged by fucking cunts who call themselves supervisors.<br /><br />working over time this week, in case you couldn't tell. <br />so yeah, exhausted, and quite hungry, at midnight, with very little will to go and hunt up a meal. there's fish in my freezer that have been there for months. i'm never here.<br /><br />but soon, oh soon soon soon... here will be there. or, there will be here, or at least home. it's silly and it's official and i'm moving in. who knew? <br /><br />not me. mostly i assumed he'd blow it off, and i'd still be mad in march. alas, fair patrons of the arts, airs and gossips galore! i'm moving in. it really makes a lot of sense, but still, slightly unexpected, even though i'm pretty sure it's what i wanted.<br /><br />so wish me luck. i'll go drain the last of this silly bag o burgundy on top of the undersized 'fridge, i'll play 'swat' with eliot, at least soon he'll have friends to distract him, and i'll wish i was at my other 'here' with my him, because sleeping at home is nice (there's my shower, and my clean underwear, my deodorant, books, etc.) but i did the unthinkable, and got used to falling asleep listening to the whirl of his bedroom fan and his slow, deep breathing. <br /><br />back to nurse my stupid wrenched back. wine and a cigarette in the scary breezeway are better than dinner, right? <br /><br />oh, and i'm about to be 25. how very strange... happy birthday to Nina, my (almost) birthday twin who will celebrate her big day right before mine. <br /><br />much love,<br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:168383 2008-12-16T21:05:20Z 2008-12-16T21:05:20Z i'm exhausted.<br /><br />not the 'damn i need a nap!' kind of tired, but the 'please let me burrow into a hole and hibernate, collect myself, and wake up in the spring sun. please. please?' kind of overwhelmed and malnourished in soul that can cause problems where there really aren't problems. <br /><br />i left this morning in disgust, looking for a little peace. now i'm home, finally. it feels like the first time in days. and, as i left, he asks, plaintively, if i'm coming back later. we'll do laundry, he says. we'll make dinner, he smiles. i nod, affirmative, with a forced half-cheshire grin. all i want is my couch, my books, my home, my things. i haven't slept here in five days, or been by for more than forty-five minutes at a time in even longer. we talk about 'us' and we plan and we decorate the christmas tree. will i ever be ready? such a simple stupid normal step for most people. but we, a burnee and a burnee, are taking our time combining efforts. <br /><br />it'll be ok, i know, i know. that's love. but today it's gloomy, and my poor kitty has been missing me miserably, so here i am. <br /><br />occasionally i wish for valium. but i've never had one before. could be a bust, darlings. leave it where it is. <br /><br />today i wish for sunshine. <br /><br />graduated from transition at work two weeks early, with top scores and recommendations. cross your fingers, kittens, hopefully i'll be off the phone soon, soon, soon, soon, soon.<br /><br />greg graduated this past saturday. very exciting, even with the influx of family. we did very well. maxwell wanted to kiss the baby's face haha. his poor mum. he's getting obedience training for christmas, or, rather, i am, from greg. so much for wishing for something shiny, pretty, or romantic. it'll be a good experience, max already knows the tricks, he just needs some proofing, and the extra socialization will do him good. all 115 lbs of him. <br /><br />back to my kitty and my melancholy. <br />much love,<br />valerie urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:167978 2008-12-05T06:53:48Z 2008-12-05T06:53:48Z about a week ago, as we passed through the dimly lit, over crowded halls of a Mills mall in Nashville, Tenn. my friend Leah and I discussed, among other things, how our association made each other feel. It was, for practical purposes, a very shot conversation. <br /><br />According to Leah I make her feel glamorous, sexy, vibrant, and alive. Our association, says she, inspires a sort of vivid, pungent sort of life and feeling. I took this as a compliment. In turn, she reminds me that it is actually possible to discover like-minded people in this world - people who comprise great heart and great intellect, and who agree with you about literature and music. Leah reminds me that I am an intellectual being, when, usually, this is an element I find myself missing in my daily interaction. <br /><br />As we were leaving, I brought up a few ideas for books I've been batting around recently. One, on which I had much to say, was about the current ideological civil war being waged in our country. The North, the South, and the West, are all very specific entities, and I think the segregation of position is as much a detriment to our country as the segregation of old. And, says I, there may be a revolution budding, or at least extremely present. <br /><br />The second idea was one that I had less to say about, but much more to think about. And it's an idea that was most recently brought to mind by a rather interesting conversation I had this evening. As ridiculous as it sounds, the subject of this book would be the things I've inspired men to do in my life. Even as I type that it sounds preposterous. But, even at a young and particularly undeveloped age, I know there were great and strange things that were inspired in the hearts of men, very good men, in some cases, that continue to confuse and dumbfound me. I've inspired love, infatuation, money, obsession, recklessness, monogamy (where it had no place being),heart ache, hatred, adoration, and abundant confusion. I've carried on friendships that have lasted years with men I've never actually met, and, in this current case, inspired a man to give me not one, not two, but three chances to break his heart. This time, it seems, I've managed to restrain myself, and Greg and I carry on very well these days, in love, and plan, deed, and actuality. But, I'm still the girl who stopped answering his calls and threw him to the wayside twice in the past three years, despite the fact that currently I'm the woman he loves and plans to spend his life with. I've been flown across the country, wined, dined, worshiped, cursed, hurt, abused, and physically harmed by the men in my life. What a strange little life I've lead, and, sadly enough, a lot of these stories revolve around these people. <br /><br />so, I'm just saying. it's an idea. and possibly a very self-indulgent book. who would bother reading such a thing? can my memoir be in volumes? just saying. much love - valerie. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:167777 2008-12-04T16:18:07Z 2008-12-04T16:18:07Z <div style="width:300px; background:white; color:black; padding: 10px;text-align:center; border: 1px solid #333333;">Your rainbow is strongly shaded<b> violet.</b><br><br><div style="background: #cc0099">&nbsp;</div><div style="background: #cc4499">&nbsp;</div><div style="background: #cc6699">&nbsp;</div><div style="background: #665899">&nbsp;</div><div style="background: #663dff">&nbsp;</div><div style="background: #6600ff">&nbsp;</div><div style="background: #aa00ff">&nbsp;</div><br>What is says about you: You are a creative person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.<br><br><a href="http://spacefem.com/quizzes/rainbow">Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.</a></div><br /><br />obviously too busy pretending to get ready for work to write a proper blog. and purple's an awfully purty color.<br /><br />cheers, dumplins. drink one on me.<br /><br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:167649 2008-11-24T06:52:06Z 2008-11-24T06:52:06Z i've been haunted by the ghost of blogging past for a few days now. it's that little internal itch, the push to write. but what? and why? i continue to ask myself. as if we ever run out of things to say.<br /><br />i've been a strange mix of content and disheveled, on-task and mid-dream, lately. i'm letting Marissa Nadler croon me into introspection now, in the first hour of the day, in the mostly dark of my tiny home. i feel like i'm missing something, some grand punch line or strain of internal music, a grand crescendo, a mutter in the morning air... there's something, i'm missing, no?<br /><br />could just be the good ole refrain of winter insanity, creeping up behind me. surely i am prone to moods, here in the darker months, and only feel alive on the days the sun shines.<br />i'm not one for scarves and gloves, although accessorizing is a relatively pleasant exercise in the morning, and at least lately i finally remembered that it's ok to wear make up.<br />but still, there's something missing. i sleep late, i work later, i stumble through my evenings quickly, fighting sleep, although there's not really any need to, and then i sleep, i sleep late, and it begins again.<br />i guess there's something to be said for not giving yourself enough time to think, but when i try i can't discern what it is i'm running from.<br /><br />mortality, maybe?<br /><br />this delicious mix of crazy and sane. i hate to drive, i love to travel. it's a perfect example. we need more trains on the whole, i think.<br /><br /><br />editing reminds me that it might be time to go back to school, but part of me believes it would just be another series of distractions, although i'd welcome the structure, the restraint. it's nice to be reminded of our own intelligence occassionally, it's too easy to forget how powerful we are at any time, any given day.<br /><br />so tonight i'm sitting here waiting for it to come to me, feeling within an endless possibility, untapped possibilities. and eventually i'll give up, give in, and crawl into my bed, curl up with a pillow, and let my eyes do their thing.<br /><br />i hate money, but really do like pretty things. i'm very good at holding my own, and i don't mind helping, but wish i could know what it's like to be spoiled, just every now and again.<br /><br />i wish i knew where the passion has gone. is it on holiday, possibly migrating somewhere warm without me? i care, i care not, says i.<br /><br />but there's still music in my finger tips<br />so there...<br /><br />in the draft, in the day, almost.<br />happy monday.<br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:167256 2008-11-24T06:51:02Z 2008-11-24T06:51:02Z MY STORY​ [​​finis​h the sente​nces]​​<br /><br />Hi, my name is:<br />valerie rose<br /><br />Never​ in my life have I been:​​<br />completely honest. <br /><br />When I'm nervo​us:​​<br />i talk very, very fast. and occasionally perspire. <br /><br />The last song I liste​ned to was:<br />"Lily, Henry and the Willow Trees" by Marissa Nadler<br /><br />If I were to get marri​ed right​ now my best man/​​bride​smaid​ would​ be:<br />i'm pretty sure i'm getting married by some old fat guy pretending to be Elvis, so i'm not particularly worried about this. <br /><br />My hair is:<br />ummmm... *looks up* a pretty light brown with natural high lights. <br /><br />When I was 5:<br />i like to imagine i had a lot of potential. <br /><br />Last Chris​tmas:​​<br />we read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" in bed and I cooked my first Christmas dinner. we also tried to make sure that nine-week-old, four-legged disaster, Maxwell, didn't eat the Christmas presents under our blue tree. <br /><br />When I look right​:​​<br />there's a window and it's dark on the other side.<br /><br />I'm looki​ng forwa​rd to:<br />changing jobs, again. <br /><br />If I were a chara​cter on Grey'​​s Anato​my:​​<br />um.. i can honestly say i've never seen an entire episode of that show. skip. <br /><br />By this time next year:​​<br />my birthday will be a distant memory instead of something i'm prematurely excited about. things will have changed, i'll make sure of that. it's going to be an interesting year. <br /><br />My curre​nt annoy​ance is:<br />having to be at work in less than 12 hours. <br /><br />I have a hard time under​stand​ing:​​<br />how to take the next steps. and how people can grow up in the same exact period of history and fail to see each other's points of view. <br /><br />There​'​​s this girl I know who:<br />deserves every good thing that's happened to her. i love her dearly. <br /><br />I want to buy:<br />peace of mind. <br /><br />If you visit​ed the place​ I'm from:​​<br />still not really sure where that is. <br /><br />I'd rathe​r hold a cockr​oach than:​​<br />um.... eat a cockroach? <br /><br />Most recen​t thing​ I've bough​t mysel​f was:<br />mexican food for dinner and a beer. <br /><br />Most recen​t thing​ someo​ne else bough​t me was:<br />pizza. <br /><br />My middl​e name is:<br />Rose. <br /><br />In the morni​ngs:​​<br />I hit the alarm for an hour. have some one-on-one time with Eliot. Feed Pedro and have a little chat with him as well. Make myself something for breakfast, and possibly lunch, sit on the couch with my lap top, possibly tea. I leave for work too early, and get there way ahead of time. <br /><br />Once,​​ at a bar:<br />oh there are far too many awful, embarrassing things to mention here. <br /><br />​Last night​ I was:<br />at greg's, eating aforementioned pizza and torturing the puppy. <br />​​<br />If I were an anima​l I would​ be:<br />a cat. there's not even a question. <br /><br />Tomor​row I:<br />work from noon - 9 p.m. but then i have the next day off, woo! <br /><br />Tonig​ht I am:<br />restless. dreading tomorrow's cold and tomorrow's rain. listening to the wind and Marissa Nadler. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:167150 2008-10-23T05:23:28Z 2008-10-23T05:23:28Z when i was a little girl, my mother wrongly accused me of having watched The Piano one night, when a handful of girls came over, girls who i was supposed to be friends with because they were fellow jehovah's witnesses. <br /><br />the funny part of that story hasn't been told.<br /><br />i didn't watch The Piano, the girls who came over did, though. and told me i was being a baby, and i spent the night in my bedroom where i crawled into my little white bed and listened to them giggle in the living room. <br /><br />they left the tape in the player the next morning when they went home. they didn't care, and they weren't careful, and i hated them. <br /><br />now i'm older, and i am oh so very careful. i'm wondering today about christmas, and i found The Piano in comcast's on demand, and i'm watching it for the very first time. i am not so far from being a young girl, and not very close to being old, or wise, just yet. <br /><br />i nurse my cold and watch the tide swell around the legs of a boxed up pianoforte. i dream about being young, relive those cold half memories of feelings, fears, hugs, and sun light streaming through palladium windows. discomfort and joy. terror and adoration. <br /><br />it seems too early to wonder about christmas. i think christmas lists are unromantic. the lights still do that little thing to me, sometimes, make me shake inside, just a little. <br /><br />terror and adoration. <br />cough syrup and a little burgundy.<br />oh darling, and such dreams. <br />such dreams. <br /><br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:166834 2008-10-19T03:20:42Z 2008-10-19T03:20:42Z in the morning i stand in the bathroom wearing nothing but my glasses while i straighten my hair. <br /><br />those are, possibly, the best moments of my day, isolated and peaceful.<br /><br />tonight i have a stray set of thoughts - to drink, dance through my living/bed-room, while my hair turns red, piled up with goo on top of my head. <br /><br />there are inexplicable lines between life, and right, and good, and love. and i still have trouble standing in just my glasses in front of you. <br /><br />with great love there is always great fear. <br />the battle, i think, is learning how to let the conflicts die, a single cigarette butt on the pavement - harmless, really. bound to flicker the second you walk out of sight. <br />but i'm that girl who watches until the smoke stops rising, and then walks away. <br /><br />too cautious, too particular, too peculiar, by far. <br /><br /><br />i find the latest frontier with my writing is exposing the new, unbecoming layers of truth. that has, really, always been the cusp i have to dance on. reality is slow coming, just a little at a time. <br /><br />i love being home in my little, shitty, studio apartment. i wish eliot would let me sleep in the morning. he decides, around 7 a.m every time i sleep in my own bed, that i'm long past due to be awake, and sits next to my cell phone, beside my pillow next to my head, and meows. <br /><br />my stray set of thoughts won't win. i'd rather dream than drink, i'd rather listen to my mind than any music, and the dance my hands do making words is more fulfilling than anything done by my feet.<br /><br />and still it's all a little ugly, a little discomposed. i'm fighting with mediocrity, responsibility, waning sexuality, and that jiggle to my ass. i'm fighting with self confidence, self honesty, progression, and to hold on to my ideals and talents. <br /><br />i'm curled up with my kitten on a shitty couch, retired from my friends too early on a saturday evening. wishing i had more to say, more than willing to take too many thoughts to bed. <br /><br />much love,<br />valerie rose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:166418 2008-10-07T21:17:41Z 2008-10-07T21:20:38Z it's the dull before the storm. <br /><br />preparing, setting myself up for success, although it's a fight i can't win. <br /><br />so off to primp and prompt and pose and appear<br />as strong as possible on the outside. <br /><br />inside my feelings are blunt - both honest and soft ended. <br /><br />and i am terrified; mostly at my own sense of uncertainty. <br /><br />with the quiet little life i've drifted into living, where i question my own sense of righteous indignation. abut, and they don't even recognize me any more. <br /><br />another cigarette in the rain. the smell of burning has become an unfortunate comforter. 'it's not simple any more,' quoth he, and, i have to say, 'it never was.'<br /><br />nights like this were made for drinking dark liquor straight, over ice. for dusty artists, and companions who know how to be silent. for red hair, the better to make him squirm inside with. pots and potions and heels, and a little bit of meanness, tucked into my cleavage. <br /><br />i'm off, my loves. wish me well. <br /><br />valerie rose. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daturasblood:166298 2008-08-12T03:26:45Z 2008-08-12T03:26:45Z Is the last person you kissed also the next person you'll kiss?<br />It's very likely, he's sitting next to me on the couch. :)<br /><br /><br />Are you available?<br />not exactly. but for lunch? sure. <br /><br />Who was your first love?<br />um...love? that's such a weird word. first person i 'dated' and said it with was... CJ maybe? i don't think it was 'love' with ben, i'm pretty sure 'love' meant 'crazy sex' with clay, but we still said it.. you see where this is going? <br /><br />Have you ever liked someone older than you?<br />when you're 21, 30-year-old men are 'older' and very sexy. mmhmm<br /><br />Do you have a good relationship with your parents?<br />oh, hello no. <br /><br />Think of the person who's hurt you the most?<br />i've probably inflicted more pain upon myself than any one else. <br /><br />Do you believe exes can be friends?<br />yeah, i have a few of those around. <br /><br />Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?<br />i'm starting to think... no... heh. guess we'll see. growing, growing, etc. <br /><br />Have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader?<br />um... no. <br /><br />Do you have or had any gay guy friends?<br />mmmhmm. I miss you guys! erm... girls.. bitches.. whatever. <br /><br />Will you talk to the person you like/love on the phone tonight?<br />umm yup. leah called me earlier ;) some random hot nashville fella called me earlier. and i even talked to greg on the phone tonight. i'm a phone slut. <br /><br />What woke you up this morning?<br />greg's alarm clock/cell phone alarm. or, earlier than that, arnold getting up. freakish morning person... gah. <br /><br />Did your last kiss mean anything?<br />"We're dating, so lets at least pretend we're happy"?<br /><br />What are you looking forward to in the next three months?<br />I'm looking forward to them being over and being in a better place. And Maxwell's first birthday in October :) Oct. 8. Presents for my puppy. <br /><br />Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?<br />i'm sure they were drunk.<br />hahaha... oh man. <br /><br />Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?<br />three months? sure. three more months in this one? oooh.. i dunno about that. <br /><br />Would you ever donate blood?<br />yeah, I need to do that. <br /><br />Ditched school to do something more fun?<br />College, yes. <br /><br /><br />Do you take compliments well?<br />I'm getting much better at it. :)<br /><br />Has a boy ever called you babe/baby?<br />mmhmm. isn't that a sign of weakness or insecurity in a relationship? <br /><br />Will you be in a relationship in four months?<br />doubtful. <br /><br />Do you want a girlfriend/boyfriend?<br />i have one of the boy types. maybe it's time for a girlfriend, hm? i'm just saying.. <br /><br /><br />Does anyone hate you?<br />the answer is either "Jesus" or "no one"<br /><br />Do you like to make the first move?<br />nope. <br /><br />Do you miss anyone?<br />depends on the day. <br /><br />What is stressing you out most right now?<br />it's very hard to choose. relationship, money, career, vehicle situation, blah blah blah blah blah. <br /><br />Does anyone love you?<br />so they say<br /><br />What are you doing tomorrow?<br />cleaning rich people's toilets. only a week and a few days left of that business though, woo!<br /><br />Are you easily confused?<br />not really. love just makes us stupid. <br /><br />Do you think you would make a good boyfriend/girlfriend?<br />not for a while. i've been a good one, and gotten no where. time to change the game. <br /><br />Do you fall for people easily?<br />not really. <br /><br />Are you high-maintainence?<br />no, i'm just crazy. <br /><br /><br />Are you happy with the way life is going?<br />ask me again in six months, right now I'm not happy. <br /><br />When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?<br />i think it happens so slowly now that it's hard to tell. <br /><br />Looking forward to something this weekend?<br />covering Borostock... might not suck? hm. <br /><br />Do you hate it when people smoke around you?<br />nope. <br /><br />In the past week have you cried?<br />yeap. <br /><br />Is there someone you will never forget?<br />I can no longer remember the names of all of my sexual partners, but I remember the good ones ;) <br /><br /><br />Do you smoke?<br />unfortunately. Again, talk to me in six months. <br /><br />Is any part of your body sore?<br />yup. <br /><br />Last thing you ate?<br />chicken fajita! <br /><br />Do you like waking up in the morning to find that you have new texts?<br />no, every noise my phone makes wakes me up. so if you send me one during the night, I'm probably going to wake up and see it. <br /><br />Who was the last person you laid in a bed with?<br />other than my kitten, that would be el boyfriendo. <br /><br /><br />Are you a morning person or a night person?<br />evening, definitely. <br /><br />How do you feel about public displays of affection?<br />minimally, is ok. sex in public? i totally believe in. save that making out shit for the car. <br />mmmm... car. <br /><br /><br />How do you feel towards the person who texted you last?<br />he's my major amigo. we'll have a beer and possibly a cuddle soon. hearts to you, D-Diddle. <br /><br /><br />What always makes you feel better when you are upset?<br />reading jane austen books, buying something pretty, and hanging out with my kitty. <br /><br />Who was the last person you called?<br />um... probably greg. <br /><br />Does your profile song have any significance?<br />the one on my myspace page is by "quote" I just reviewed their album/art/written word project (see www.boropulse.com's current CD review)The song on my page is lovely. peep it. <br /><br />Are you smiling?<br />not right now. but max is about to come snuggle on me, so yeah! woo puppy kisses! <br /><br />Do you have trouble deleting your text messages?<br />um.. no. i like to save pictures in them sometimes. <br /><br />How are you right this second?<br />frustrated!<br /><br />Do you like to take walks?<br />I like taking walks with maxwell :) he's so good on the leash. <br /><br />Have you ever made out on a boat?<br />mmmhmmmmmmmmmm<br /><br />Where is(are) your best friend/s?<br />in the air, in LA, on the front porch, at home in Nashville, etc. etc. etc.<br /><br />Look to your right, what is there?<br />an empty seat, diet coke, greg's check book, blah blah blah<br /><br />Have any piercings or tattoos?<br />four holes. <br /><br />Do you fight with your grandparents often?<br />I only have one left, and i'm sure if he'd talk to me we'd argue. <br /><br /><br />Where is the shirt you are wearing from?<br />it's from Brazil! I think I bought it in Rio. <br /><br />Have you ever been in a car accident?<br />yup. two of which occurred while I was driving. no wonder I'm a grandma behind the wheel. <br /><br />Do you have to check in with your parents before you go some place?<br />um... hell no. <br /><br />What bed did you sleep in last night?<br />greg's. <br /><br />Are you happy right now?<br />not exactly. <br /><br />Who did you say 'I love you' to last?<br />haha probably my kitten. <br /><br />Would you rather have big or small dogs?<br />i'm with you, stacy, I'd much rather have a kitty. But eventually I'll get my mini schnauzer, and she'll rock!<br /><br /><br />Do you mind being cold?<br />yes, I do. <br /><br />What is your favorite candy?<br />reeses pieces<br /><br />Do you trust all of your friends?<br />sort of. I trust that they have good intentions. I don't expect any thing. <br /><br />Are you afraid of falling in love?<br />no. i'm afraid that I no longer am.